My kingdom was robbed!

From the moment a woman learns she is pregnant, she has a plan. I had a plan. Three different times, and not one of them went how I had expected. When you become a mother to a premature baby, you no longer have a plan to follow. Everything that you invisioned for labor and delivery are thrown out the window, and a new plan is set in place. The most terrifying, heartwrenching plan ever, and sure the hell not one you made. I am not sure there is a way to describe what it is like when you are told that you will be delivering your child much ealrier than you're supposed to. For me, I know that the room would spin and all feeling would leave my body. You go through a state of shock, and a massive stage of defeate. Your body was supposed to be a castle for the prince or princess to be safe from all harm. A warm kingdom in which you are the ruler. But suppose this kingdom is all of a sudden bombed and your castle is robbed!! Robbed of your most precious possesion, and there is not a thing in the world you can do to stop it! This is what becoming a mother of a preemie feels like. Total robery. Robbed of a full term, uncomfortable pregnacy. Robbed of any chance to hold and love your baby right after birth. Nursing??? Forget it!! You are robbed of waking in the middle of the night and seeing your brand new sleeping baby safe in the bassinet next to your bed. Robbed of being able to walk out of the hospital with baby in tow. Most of all you are robbed of the pure blissful joy you should feel after you give birth. Hearing congratulations makes you angry!! Going to your post partum room empty handed while litening to the cries and screams of all the full term, healthy babies surroudning your room makes you feel so small. The amount of guilt that floods your mind is so unreal. The "what if's", and "how come's" are enough to make you feel as though you need a straight jacket, and a very padded room! Memories come flooding back wishing maybe you would have done something different, done something more. Everyone around you is smiling and telling you how perfect your baby is, and how well she is doing. How well she is doing outside of your safe castle, now to reisde in a plastic box! The helplessness of knowing that the first touch your baby felt was that of a high risk doctor and many nurses sticking needles into thier freshly exposed skin, a tube in their nose which will replace your breast or bottle for her first feeding,and that dreaded cpap taking over thier face. Your plan to put the mother, in smother and cover her sweet face in kisses are null and void. No one even knows how long it will be until you get to hold your baby. This is the raw, bandaid pulled off, truth. One thing that can never be robbed from you is the urgency to love and continue to protect your baby as best you can, from outside of the box.......

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